Monday, November 26, 2007

A Trip to the Border

Thirty years ago in one of my first trips to the border, I crossed the line and stepped into a basement where a small group of us were playing Jeopardy, a game where the answer is supplied and one must furnish the question. We played awhile, and then that indescribable border sensation occurred, the psychological shift accompanied by self-referencing thought streams and an emotional state one might predict for a person profoundly disoriented.

The experience occurred simultaneously as my friend Jim, hosting the show for the players, looks down and says, "Wait, here’s a stack of different answers."

He picks up a card and flash we are in a richly colored field where we see two dogs peacefully sleeping, one resting its head and paw on the other.

We flash back to Jim, who waits for us to state the question. We are speechless. The buzzer rings, and Jim reads the card, "What is love?"

The two other players and I look at each other with faces saying, "This is really weird."

Jim picks up the next card and flash we are in pitch blackness and silence. Then we hear a loud sound of stone scraping against stone, and about 15 feet in front of us blinding white light so bright we cannot look at it comes from the floor as a massive stone "door" slides very slowly upward. Sheer, screaming terror beyond terror drowns all consciousness and as we fade we’re rescued with a flash back to Jim. We are open mouthed and looking at each other with quizzical and very disturbed faces suggesting, "WTF?!" and now we are frightened. The game is not funny or fun, and we are not amused at all.

Jim looks at us. No one says a thing. Jim does not know what we saw. The buzzer rings and he reads the card, "What is reality?"

Ann says, "I don’t like this game" to which Steve immediately replies, "Yeah, let’s quit."

Those two get the hell out of there, leaving Jim and me alone. He looks at me. He is very serious, "I have one more answer. Do you want to see?"

I am so screwed.

He holds up the card and flash I am in an old attic by myself. Clean, the attic has a shelving unit in the center. At the border, one can know something without having to learn it, and I know all of the items on the shelf belonged to an elderly woman who had died. I approach the shelf and look at the items, an ashtray, a photograph of grandchildren, a very old photograph of her as a child and one of her at her wedding, a cigarette lighter (the shiny metal Zippo), some reading glasses, jewelry including her wedding ring and a watch, all old. Remember those cases women used for their cigarettes?

The shelves had some folded clothes and some shoes, a thermos, and my psyche starts to enter a state of deep seriousness, the kind that shuts people up, and the state darkens as an unspeakable dread floods the emotional space and I sense that these items are all that remain of the woman. Toss these items, and that’s it. The English language has nothing to describe where I went psycho-spiritually at this point, looking at all of the items, but imagine if you could taste, touch, hear, feel, and smell "abyss" and "fragile" at the same time. Then flash I am back with Jim. He looks at me, and from my face he knows I have nothing to say.

He looks down at the card and then at me, "What is death?"

He looks back down at the card and gets very upset, his face starting to cry and his eyes welling up, "I’m so sorry. I’m wrong. What is life?"

Jim starts really falling apart, sobbing, "It keeps changing! What is death?"

He is so frightened he shakes uncontrollably, falls to the ground and starts wretching in complete panic, "What is life?"

The Border. Think I made it up? Could you make that up?


Anonymous The Navigator said...

30 years ago? You did this as a teenager?

I am humbled.

Accidental or intentional?

You of course will communicate as you choose and I respect your choice, but you know what I want to hear.

When did you go to the other side of the stick and hear its laugh? I don't know anyone who went to that place, at least anyone who returned with any remnants of sanity.

You do realize that virtually no one will have the slightest idea what you are talking about.

I think I get it, and it does go beyond language. I am most impressed. I wish I were as articulate as you. I cannot describe what happened to me. I haven't searched very thoroughly, but what I've seen published is pure garbage. They know nothing of what you speak.

Not to sound too dramatic or completely crazy, I am afraid to meet you, x4mr, something like Gandalf putting on the ring.

I am convinced there is a LOT you have not said. You share the tip of the iceberg. Under the water is something you removed from the end of Chapter 14, "Guardian Angel."

A human being can't go to the other side of the stick without protection. Remarkable. You have to be using some kind of instrument. For some reason your post made me think of Judy.

x4mr can answer this instantly. Anyone else willing to try?

Water is to a fish as ________ is to a human being.

Anyone? It's right in front of you.

Of course.

11/26/2007 7:33 PM  
Blogger Sirocco said...

I would say "air" ... and I would be right ... yet I suspect I am also wrong. :)

11/26/2007 8:29 PM  
Anonymous Zelph said...

What is Atman, Alex?

11/26/2007 8:55 PM  
Anonymous Diana said...

X4mr is a Satanist who worships the Devil and practices black magic. Someone has mentioned this, and it is true. He has made several references to "secret rituals" in a joking manner, but it is no joke. He can do magic.

Look at the image in this story, and you will see the light forms an inverted pentagram, the signature of Satanic worship.

"Something Else" means that which is different from the true path. Instead of God, choose "Something Else" which of course means the Devil. He has the enneagram 142857 symbol, but note that he has turned it upside down. His enneagram is upside down!!

He is a sorcerer trained in the black arts by Fourth Way Gurdjieff and Ouspenski masters in secret schools deep inside India or China or maybe Tibet, somewhere in that area. The people who read this blog do not understand that by reading x4mr regularly you are being transformed. "x4mr" means "transformer." You don’t realize what is happening to you.

I am sure he will delete this comment as soon as he sees it. My prayer is that some will see this before it is deleted.

I don’t know for a fact, but I think x4mr was born Jewish. He claims to have a Christian father, but the blog clearly has subtext and subliminal content meant to challenge faith in Jesus Christ. The blog is anti-Christian and links to Jewish sites (Meru) involving mysticism and numerical mysticism (Integral Institute) that over time implant doubt in the truth of the Lord Christ, our TRUE savior, causing one to follow “Something Else” into darkness. A trained reader can read the pro-Jewish mysticism in his writing. The only politician he has contributed money to, Congresswoman Giffords, who he openly supports, is a Jew. Notice how everything goes right for her?

He speaks of death in a fear-mongering way that promotes concern about our salvation. He tries to provoke a negative rejection of the beauty of the next world. X4mr has clearly stated repeatedly that we don’t know what will happen when we die. He mocks the faith of those who believe in eternal life. He ridicules our confidence and tries to stir up fear. If we follow his path, we become slaves to death living in fear of it, ripe fruit for recruitment into the worship of the Anti-Christ.

The border is the border between Good and Evil. X4mr brags about going there, about "crossing the line" and seeing death, seeing that reality is terrifying. He went to "the other side of the stick" and they laughed. I have also learned that he is certified at some level in the Rosicrucian Order, another cult that practices magic.

He loves Nine Inch Nails because they are the same. The hate group tries to destroy our trust of government and our faith in President Bush as he takes hit after hit to save our country from evil. X4mr tries to destroy our trust of religion and our faith in Jesus Christ who died on the cross to save our souls from evil. How can you not see the parallels and the connections?

I will pray for all who read this.

11/26/2007 9:00 PM  
Anonymous Zelph said...

Diana was named for the pagan goddess Artemis/Diana. She worships the death cult of George Bush and Scooter Libby which seeks to immanentize the eschaton and bring about Armageddon. Ever notice the presence of bears and young girls in Scooter Libby's porn? Coincidence? Some say no.

11/26/2007 9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who's Alex?

Obviously Diana mismanaged her use of LSD as a child, doing too little or too much.

I know the answer to Navigator's riddle, but would like x4mr to provide the answer. Sirocco is correct in the superficial context, but as he knows, misses the real answer.

As evidence that I know, I will say that Navigator is correct in saying that it is right in front of the reader. Hint: Reader.

x4mr, don't you check your blog at night?

11/26/2007 10:30 PM  
Anonymous MS said...

Diana, my dear, why are you reading this blog? It upsets you so much!

11/26/2007 11:19 PM  
Anonymous ms said...

Nav, who is Judy?

11/26/2007 11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Your pen cuts meat like air and bone like butter, reaching marrow without the slightest effort. Wow.

The more I ponder your story, the bigger and deeper it becomes.

Seeing the answer to the questions of "What is life?" and "What is Death?" be the SAME as a shelf of objects? That is beyond words.

That is from the beyond. It must take a real pair of deep cajones to traverse such realms.

Thanks you for sharing. I am sure I would disintegrate into madness in the face of such energies.

11/27/2007 12:23 AM  
Blogger Dustin said...

words, or perhaps knowledge, which was my first instinct. Like most things here, the answer depends on context.

11/27/2007 7:40 AM  
Blogger Sirocco said...

I would have guess knowledge as well, or pursuit of knowledge/wonderment/fantasy, something along those lines.

11/27/2007 8:33 AM  
Blogger Sirocco said...

Or language ... which is, after all, right in front of me.

11/27/2007 8:33 AM  
Blogger x4mr said...

Sirocco & Dustin,

Good speculations. Obviously "air" has nothing to do with the context of the question. "Language" is probably the best answer available from regular thinking, which, of course, is still inside the box.

The 10:30 anon's hint (reading) is spot on, pointing to the word directly in front of you.

Fish cannot distinguish water. Human beings distinguish air every time they climb a flight of stairs or swallow wrong and choke for the next ten minutes.

If we choose (we usually don't), we can meditate or otherwise pay attention to the language or our incessant chatterbox we call our thoughts. We can learn many languages to where the chatterbox itself switches.

At the border, one doesn't have a body per se. Forget about air, and thoughts are fragmented. Experience transcends mental processing at least as it occurs in a regular waking state.

The answer to Navigator's riddle, correctly pointed to by anon's hint:

Water is to a fish as BEING is to a human BEING. The word is right in front of you in the question.

For a human being to directly experience being in the way that it actually can be is anything but easy. In fact, it is extremely, extremely difficult, and it is NOT a thought or thinking.

Diana, get a grip. Not Jewish, but yes, have studied it. I was joking about the black cape and magic wand, and I can assure you that our Congresswoman did not get elected because I slaughtered a goat in my backyard.

11/27/2007 10:31 AM  
Blogger Sirocco said...

Sooooo ... you admit you slaughtered a goat in your backyard, just deny that was the reason she got elected?

11/27/2007 10:45 AM  
Blogger Sirocco said...

BTW ... I feel I could make a pretty good case that no fish exists without water, while plenty of humans exist without being.

11/27/2007 11:27 AM  
Blogger Dustin said...

Buddhists spend many years attempting to be without thought. Somehow this strikes me as fundamentally different from what you describe.

There is a large part of me that remains skeptical, not of your experiences, but of their significance and interpereted meaning. There is much about the mind that remains unexplained, and I'm not sure that 7.8 hz brings us any closer. Of course, nobody can truly know the mind of another, but what you describe seems like dreaming to me.

How do you know your brain is at the border frequency? How do you know this frequency is so special? I've had dreams, some silly, some as you describe, and some so real I thought my waking life was a dream. Some of them I will never forget. Nightmare is a highly subjective term, but I have always taken it to mean a dream terrifying for base instinctual reasons (death, sex, fear) not for reasons intellectually terrifying.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really trying here, but this is starting to give me the same feeling I get whenever I see andrew wiel, or some fruitcake down in sedona going on about vortices.

11/27/2007 12:53 PM  
Anonymous todd said...

I am not a Jesus freak, but I think some of what Diana says is legit.

I've been following this blog for about two weeks, and it truly is causing some changes. The news feels a little bit different. I notice things I didn't notice before, both visually and also in conversations.

I figured it was harmless until last night. Dammit, x4mr! I had the worst nightmare of my entire life last night. It was totally due to your spooky, creepy story.

I dreamed that damned shelf of items, but it had MY THINGS!!

These two little girls showed up and started to play with my things. Then I realized each thing linked to a part of my body. My baseball glove was my hands. My watch was some organ like the liver or spleen or something.

The girls started laughing and breaking the things, and I started to fall apart, literally. When one girl stomped on my glove, my hands turned to useless jelly.

The girls were giggling as they started to trash everything. I have never been so terrified and woke up screaming like crazy, which completely freaked out my wife and the dogs, which went crazy and barked like crazy as my wife goes, "What the $#% are you doing?" as I'm frantically checking my hands to see if they're there, my arms, chest, feet. I really wondered if I was intact.

The dogs woke up the kids. What a mess!!!

Spooky. No matter how awful you think that was, it was worse.

11/27/2007 12:57 PM  
Blogger x4mr said...


I’ve had more "disintegration" dreams than I would prefer, and they are horrifying. They are awful experiences. I know too well the experience of waking up panicked and checking to see if one’s mouth still has teeth, one’s hands are intact, etc. Believe it not, it can be even worse. I think most people probably have a disintegration experience at least once.


Your skepticism is healthy and appropriate. I don’t have time to go to sleep labs and hook up EKG’s and all of that. What do I know? I’m just a blogger posting material for consideration and hopeful of some interest and value. Consider however you choose. I’m not trying to sell you something or recruit you into a cult. My suggestion is to just toss on the list of other unknowns. You can put it next to the meaning of life or how we could actually make a vegetable the President of the United States.


At the altitude of "being" language and semantics become problematic. Academically rigorous research regarding consciousness occurs at places like the Center for Consciousness Studies (link to right). I would guess that I agree with you mean to mean by people that are never "being."


You are entirely too dramatic. I am harmless, Todd’s nightmare duly noted (sorry). I am not the Master Ring crafted by the Dark Lord Sauron with the fires of Mt. Doom in the heart of Mordor.

11/27/2007 1:31 PM  
Blogger Dustin said...

I just had to check, and I find your answer wholly appropriate and satisfying. Sometimes some of the comments around here give me pause. Not comments by the obvious cranks, but some of the others.

Can I follow you down the yellow brick road? I don't think that's very likely. The topics of discussion here are great food for thought, and that's really all anyone can ask for. Thanks for clearing up the sleep study bit, I wondered if you had. I've very nearly done one myself, albeit for different reasons.

I never thought you were recruiting for a cult, at most I thought this might be some kind of joke. I tend to get touchy if I think I'm being b/s'd. My mother got into new age stuff, started reading dianetics, making pyramids in which to contain crystals and such, read countless books about roswell, and for all I know made trips to sedona to collect spirit energy.

Anyway, long story short, I know where you are coming from now, and it's all good.

11/27/2007 2:21 PM  
Blogger Liza said...

"The hate group (NIN) tries to destroy our trust of government and our faith in President Bush as he takes hit after hit to save our country from evil. X4mr tries to destroy our trust of religion and our faith in Jesus Christ who died on the cross to save our souls from evil."

This is the kind of comment that really makes me angry. I grew up Catholic, I had 12 years of Catholic school, and I think I know the story of Jesus Christ as well as anyone.

So my question to you, Diana, is what kind of a Jesus Christ and what kind of "Christianity" have you invented that would condone the slaughter of over one million Iraqis? Would Jesus like the effects of cluster bombs and white phosphorous weapons? Would Jesus rant and rave about Islamofascists and put Bush/Cheney and "support the troops" stickers all over his SUV that gets 10 mpg?

If you even stopped to think about the absurdity of it all you might see that it is people like you have taken Christianity and f***** it over so that it is barely recognizable and THAT is what is evil. Those of you who have supported the killers of innocent people claiming to have God on your side will burn in hell, if there is such a place.

So pray for yourself, Diana. And stop distorting the message of Jesus Christ.

11/27/2007 4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too friggin' heavy and obtuse. There are too many real problems in this world.
I'm done reading this blog.
Good luck, Matt, with your math degree and all of that.

11/27/2007 7:19 PM  
Anonymous The Navigator said...

What a lightweight, anon.

You quit reading a blog over ONE story? Another is already posted about veterans committing suicide every 90 minutes. I suppose that’s not a relevant, real problem? The truth is that you are out of here because the story and thread frightened you. I say that with experience. Yes, stop reading. Profound spiritual inquiry about life and death requires a level of maturity.

Of course, one's relationship with life and death is not real. Let's not explore what's under that rock.

That regular reading here exposes one to unusual concepts and political angles not seen in mainstream media can hardly be disputed. I am certain it follows a particular design with a purpose and principles, an underlying philosophy. I think it is entirely positive. Isn’t every post about some aspect of "Sustainability, Equity, Development"?

Somewhere x4mr said that by "development" he means "the growth of what it is to be human."

Liza, Diana does not warrant much of your energy, but what she represents does. Human history is dominated by violence and hatred over religious self-righteousness, especially in the west. We invent our own interpretation of Christ and then kill on its behalf.

Sayonara, anon. Head to safer ground. I don’t think you will be missed. I hope x4mr is not deterred from continuing to push the envelope and jump outside the box.

11/27/2007 8:38 PM  
Anonymous todd said...

It's really late. One might guess my enthusiasm for sleeping tonight. I will also confess that I am quite quite drunk.

Not stupid drunk, but pretty numbed and going to bed soon. No hard feelings, x4mr. I really like Navigator. He is sharp, and whoever the anon is that says he won't read your blog again, what a spineless coward. Liza is cool and hot. She should chill a little, IMHO.

I have learned a LOT in the last couple days. Our psyche is not one process. Many things are running at the same time. We have a ton of stuff going on, right?

Navigator? Sirocco? X4mr?

We are multiple processes way more than we know. Is the flash x4mr talks about being able to sense all of them at once? Is that being?

Sirocco, is that what you mean?

11/28/2007 1:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That story is totally creepy.

I wish I'd never read it.

11/30/2007 3:33 PM  
Anonymous grep '^[3-7]' pi said...




12/01/2007 1:03 AM  

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