Critical Developments

In a news flash of vital importance, I inform my dear readers of recent profoundly significant developments:

1. Word is out that Dumbledore is gay. That some conservatives are upset by the revelation tickles me silly. Senator Larry Craig sent a birdogram to Hogwarts informing Dumbledore that the news makes it necessary to end their relationship. Craig insists that his time spent at Hogwarts was strictly limited to discussions on the practical application of witchcraft.

2. My football team rules. Don't even. My other team, due to roots of youth, Cincinnati, also won today. Cincinnati is better than their record. TR should be pleased with his team today, even though they aren't as good as Cincinnati.

3. The University of Arizona's football team's so bad they lost to my daughter's football team. When Stanford wins Palo Alto has to raid Milpitas for more alcohol, but only the students over 21 drink. At 19, my daughter has never had a drop.

4. Speaking of alcohol, the bit about astronauts drinking is stupid journalism. If I were about to pilot the controlled explosion of a bomb that really would rather just blow all at once all the way into space, I'd be sober and razor sharp. If I were a passenger about to ride a controlled explosion that wants to go all at once, I would consider smuggling a liter bota bag of Laphroaig inside my suit. Now that I think about it, even if I were the pilot, I would smuggle a bota bag of Laphroaig inside my suit, but I wouldn't have any until well established in orbit.

I am still amazed that the Russians took Cognac into space instead of vodka. There's something wrong with the fact that Cognac made it into space before Scotch, but I'd have to drink a lot to figure out what it is.

5. A graduate of my alma mater, Stephen Colbert, is running for president. When asked about his choice for Vice-President, he said he was considering Larry Craig, now that Larry isn't going to Hogwarts anymore, or himself, noting that the "Colbert-Colbert" ticket would be tough to beat.

6. A study sampling 7,473 adults (3,694 men and 3,779 women) has determined that sex is most enjoyable on Sunday mornings "when everyone else is in church." Couples who have Sunday AM sex once or more each month (followed by a good breakfast) were 47% more likely to report overall satisfaction with their romantic relationship and "life in general."

7. The GOP candidates for president have a debate tonight. The candidates will be asked to name their favorite novel. Romney, who has flip-flopped on a variety of issues including abortion, will flip flop on his favorite novel, which used to be Battlefield Earth. When campaign staff learned that his new favorite novel was going to be Nabokov's Lolita they pulled him aside. His favorite novel is now Mark Twain's classic The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Campaign staff has not disclosed Romney's favorite film, but a staffer who would not be identified has said that the film version of Battlefield Earth has been rejected.

Given Romney's self declaration as a lifelong hunter of "rodents and other varmints" the campaign has removed Leave it to Beaver as a possible favorite TV show. Captain & Tennille's Muskrat Love was scratched from the initial list of possible favorite songs.