12th Ave Taco Truck
Word is that Juanito Gutierrez, operator of a new taco truck on S. 12th Ave, is generating quite the buzz in town. His business was highlighted as a showcase for the extraordinary economic development achievements of the past year. The truck serves authentic Mexican tacos, burritos, tamales, and quesadillas featuring a secret recipe "to die for" salsa packing enough heat to make a Corona taste good. What few know is that the project, now booming, almost didn't happen.
Eager to provide fast eats on par with Rigo's and Mi Nidito's, Gutierrez, a creative class gay Hispanic entrepreneur, almost gave up when he learned about the various permits, licenses, certificates, and approvals necessary to start the business. This guy, uh, Hegler, tells me that the process is so complex a person needs a consultant. He said for $6,000/month he could make everything happen.
Gutierrez started paying Hegler, and in three weeks received permission to complete the application forms to obtain the following:
1. South Tucson Business License:
----Don Eckum Administration Fee, $3000
----Al Eckum Workforce Fee, $1000
----June Eckum Clean Street Fee, $750
----Anita Eckum knows June Fee, $400
----Billy Bob Eckum has Eckum last name fee, $300
2. Pima County Operation Business License:
----Taco emissions Environmental Impact Fee, $400
----Taco Juice Sewer System Impact Fee, $300
----Truck Parking Zone Fee, $300
----Meat/Tortilla Safety Inspection Fee, $250
----Fire Inspection Fee, $300
After paying the fees, Gutierrez was informed he could operate on S. 12th Ave, We wanted to be on Fourth or Sixth, you know, by the pretty tile, but they said that would be bad.
Juanito started selling tacos before Christmas, I'm not selling tacos a week yet, and this dude calls, Smear Channel, saying I need a billboard/radio ad. I dunno. I remember that these are the jerks that did "Tight Ass For Sale" right by an elementary school, I mean that ain't right, so I say no and he gets all pissed off, says I'm stupid and even says something about my race and whether I'm legal. I hung up.
Next came a call from a professional coach. This lady calls and she's all polite, and then she says she can break me free of my paradigms and obsolete practices. I asked her if she's tasted the killer salsa, and she says no, so I ask what she knows about making tacos. She gets all hissy and hangs up.
Two weeks later, Gutierrez received a call from TREO outreach. He recommends that I become one of their Giga-Titanium Partners, something about a trip to bikini island, free golf, the taco network, taco partnership community, mobile food consciousness blueprint, and a web thing called TacoLink where I could post the address of my truck's web page.
He asked who I hired. When I said no one, he said everyone in the family was an employee. Then he asked if I use the trash cans, and there's the dude that sweeps the sidewalk. He asked if I met the police, and I said they like the burritos. He wanted to know if anyone buying tacos rode the bus. Next thing I know, this guy is telling me I created 184 jobs and that because I'm gay, I provide more leverage for economic growth. He sounded serious, but I mean, he had to be joking, right? Well, I figured he was joking all deadpan style like Steve Wright, so I get all serious and joke back all serious like, "Your mama want a job?"
Word about the killer salsa is spreading, and taco sales have been climbing. In January someone suggested Gutierrez join the Chamber of Commerce, I went to this thing at a restaurant, and everyone's telling me what I need. HR, PR, marketing, accounting, payroll, strategic planning software. Some dude says I'm planning to fail by failing to plan. I said I had a plan. I plan to sell tacos. A web guy tells me I gotta get online so people can see my menu and place orders. People in China who Google "taco" will see my truck. Then I heard a familiar voice, and sure enough, it's Smear Channel guy trying to sell a billboard/radio ad to a massage therapist.
She's shaking her head and uncomfortable, and the Smear guy is harrassing her the same way he did me, saying she's stupid and missing opportunity and will fail. The lady gives foot rubs, man. That's when I realize I know what I'm doing and so does massage lady and the hair cut guy and the coin dealer. It's Smear that doesn't know jack.
Clearly upset, massage lady tries to get away, and Smear follows her! So I jump between them and give Smear a rich dose of my face, "If you're so smart and she's so stupid, how come she owns a business and you're pasting asses on billboards? Why don't you plaster your own ass on a billboard and sell cheese?!"