GOP's Eager Tea Nominees

The Tea Party has caused considerable consternation for the Republican Party this election cycle by defeating establishment candidates generally considered more competitive in the general election this November.

"Not true," alleges Arizona tea nominee Biff Kayhole,"I am every bit as competitive as the slimy RINO I trounced with straight talk focused on the FACTS of the issues." Kayhole made national headlines by declaring that Barack Obama is the worst president in US history. When asked why this is the case, he replied, "Any communist Muslim born in Kenya has to be the worst president in history."

Kayhole is shown above at the Grand Canyon with models posing as family members in what also became the last photo taken of his dog.

Sarah Palin endorsed "Mama Grizzly" Nevada candidate Scrug Sneethin backs not only the elimination of the Department of Education, but the elimination of education itself, both public and private, "Education is why people become communists." When asked how society would obtain medical professionals to treat people who get injured or become sick, Sneethin replied, "That's God's work."

"Education is the problem," Sneethin asserts,"and Sarah Palin gets it, too. What we need is common sense, not the fancy words and high falutin talkity talk in their ibony towers."

Sneethin's cousin, Grog Snukkers, a tea nominee from eastern Kentucky, stands for the elimination of the Department of Transportation, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Food and Drug Administration, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and all local police and fire departments, noting that "everything was fine 10,000 years ago when we took care of our own and didn't need none of that shit."

Snukkers also wants to ban air travel and Facebook.

Construction mogul Juss Shilly also shocked the Arizona GOP establishment by defeating their "sure thing" candidate for Congress. Shilly has it out for Social Security and Medicare, suggesting that they provide disincentives for people to be responsible, "Because of social security, people don't save, and because of Medicare, they don't care if they get sick. Think about it. They got no Medicare in Pakistan, Haiti, Somalia, Sudan, or Bangladesh. Their people don't get all fat and disgusting. They don't mess with cancer, and they don't get Alzheimer's at all, man."

The youngest tea candidate to dislodge an established GOP incumbent is Delaware gun enthusiast Kristy "Killer" O'Twiddle, also a Palin endorsed "Mama Grizzly." A single issue candidate, O'Twiddle wants to eliminate all firearm restrictions, including the prohibition of automatic weapons and banning guns for the mentally ill, children, or convicted felons. She also supports making it illegal to keep firearms from public places such as elementary/middle schools, high schools, university campuses, sporting events, courtrooms, or government buildings.

(O'Twiddle with her son and her Ruger P89) Other than her calling for the distribution of guns to prison inmates "for self-protection," her most controversial position calls for the elimination of the Transportation Security Administration and all airport screening activity.

Instead, she proposes that all airline passengers be issued fully loaded Ruger P89 9mm pistols, "If everyone is packing, nothing will happen, and the P89 is as solid and reliable as you can get. Feeds all ammo great, and perfect for combat. Most people don't know that the P89 is what the U.S. military really wanted before communist Obama intervened. The P89 is top quality. My only real complaint is the alloy grip does get slick."