Saturday, April 16, 2011

Not Intended

Everyone here has heard of Jon Kyl's ridiculous assertion that 90% of Planned Parenthood's funding went to provide abortions (false). When confronted with data (3% total and 0% federal), Kyl's office responded that his remarks were “Not intended to be a factual statement.”

Stephen Colbert has reacted by inviting the nation to submit its own set of remarks not intended to be factual at a Twitter account. They have:

Jon Kyl removes all of the tags on his mattresses.
Legally, Jon Kyl cannot be within 100 yards of Helen Mirren.
Jon Kyl does not close cover before striking.
Jon Kyl sticks his gum under the table.
Jon Kyl steals food & water from families in Africa.
Jon Kyl likes to put cell phones in his body.
Jon Kyl wears depends when he's on the senate floor.
Jon Kyl doesn't floss.
Jon Kyl's favorite dish is spam with sour cream.
Jon Kyl enjoys giving enemas to his Rottweiler.
Jon Kyl has a thing for Nancy Pelosi's feet.
Jon Kyl looks like he does because he enhances his spam diet with broccoli and children.
Jon Kyl's NCAA basketball bracket had the Scientologists winning the championship.
Jon Kyl can unhinge his jaw like a python to swallow small rodents whole.
Every Halloween Jon Kyl dresses up as a sexy Mitch Daniels.
Jon Kyl sponsored S.410, which would ban happiness.
Jon Kyl let a game-winning ground ball roll through his legs in Game 6 of the '86 World Series.
Jon Kyl once ate a badger he hit with his car.
Jon Kyl doesn't know bananas should be peeled.
Jon Kyl doesn't like bananas.
Jon Kyl likes to tell first graders that Santa Claus is a lie told by bad parents.
Jon Kyl once gutted an aardvark so he could eat the half digested ants.
Jon Kyl liked the Partridge Family in his 20s and has a poster of David Cassidy in his bathroom.
Jon Kyl's wife never liked David Cassidy, Larry Craig, the Rottweiler, or Pelosi's feet.
Jon Kyl is responsible for the wardrobe malfunction.
Jon Kyl sings hideous karaoki after three drinks. Before three drinks, it's worse.
Jon Kyl doesn't understand Harry Potter.
Jon Kyl didn't understand Charlotte's Web.
At the grocery store Jon Kyl grew confused when he wanted more groceries than he could hold.
Every time Jon Kyl held a shovel, hammer, wrench, rake, ruler, he was posing for a camera. When he held a screwdriver, it was orange in a glass.
Jon Kyl never changed a car's oil, tire, battery, spark plug, belt, filter, hose, wire, bulb, wiper.
Jon Kyl never heard of the things he hasn't changed and thinks a vacuum cleaner cleans vacuums.
Jon Kyl has never washed a car – he has never driven a car.
Jon Kyl is still afraid of his parents and doesn't trust his children. Neither parents nor children are concerned.
The Society for the Provention of Cruelty towards Animals has filed an injunction preventing Jon Kyl from unsupervised contact with animals domesticated or undomesticated.

His Rottweiler is relieved.

Now that Kyl's so easily tagged disregard for the truth has become a symbol, he has chosen to retract his deliberate distortion from the Congressional record. Kyl is not running for re-election next year. Perhaps he wanted to clarify the nature of his character before he makes his greatest contribution to the US Senate by leaving it.


Blogger Casey said...

This online meme took off like wildfire and just keeps going. You can instantly search Twitter for the latest posts by going to It's even better than your favorite presidential candidate being able to see Russia from Alaska.

An notable side effect of Kyle's gaffe: Planned Parenthood works hard to communicate that it's about family planning and health services, particularly for those with limited economic means. Definitely a worthy cause and an organization that's likely saving our country millions upon millions of dollars. But until this week, I'll bet very few people knew 1) That only 3% of what they do deals with abortion and that 2) No federal dollars support that small part of their services.

Now everyone does. Virtually impossible to pay for that kind of PR.

4/16/2011 6:13 PM  

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